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Kim Wong Keltner Celebrates All the Moms in Our Lives - There are More than Just Our Own

Today's guest post comes from Kim Wong Keltner, author of Tiger Babies Strike Back: How I Was Raised by a Tiger Mom but Couldn't Be Turned to the Dark Side. Today, in honor of Mother's Day, Kim shares her thoughts and appreciation of all the mothers who raised us, and who raise our children, whether or not they are our actual mothers. 

I’ve been thinking of all the moms I knew as a kid and how they welcomed me into their homes. On weekends, or in the afternoons when their own kid and I would be doing homework or watching cartoons, I was secretly watching these women, too. I was unconsciously taking them in – their hairstyles, demeanor, and the way they talked to their children and me. Did they yell? Did they swear? Did they enjoy our company or tell us to pipe down? I took them in with my eyes and ears, and with my heart.

Also, I compared these women to my own mom. I did not by any means love them more than my own mother, not even close. However, for an afternoon or evening, or a semester or couple of years when their kid and I were hanging out, I was also close to them. Through these women I caught a glimpse of the domestic situations of other families. I did not realize it then, but it was a gift to be invited to live in their world for those brief, sometimes even mundane, moments.

I would watch Jill’s mom lug the laundry out the door, headed to the Laundromat up the street. When she would get home, I would know to not sit in her special kitchen chair. She would make dinner and as the water boiled for pasta she’d read her paperback novel while Top 40 tunes played on the clock radio. Similarly, I would steal glances at Barbra’s mother while we played elaborate games with our Barbie dolls. Amidst our General Hospital-esque melodramas, she would be vacuuming, paying bills, or doing the crossword puzzle.

I remember these moms and how they rounded out my ideas of what defined, “mother.” They were each different, but had things in common. They were all practical, juggling work and family life. They all made dinner, did the dishes, and unbeknownst to me then, were navigating their own femininity, friendships, and no doubt, occasional loneliness. And they each welcomed hordes of other people’s kids into their homes and offered snacks, comfort, and a break from our own family lives. These seldom-thanked moms were beacons of light for us kids as we dog-paddled through middle and high school.

Thank goodness for these mothers who were helping us, saving us, and showing us love, even if they or we were not even aware of this affection. I would traipse in and out of their homes like I owned the place, as did countless other kids. Their kindness lasted months, years, and even decades.

So on this Mother’s Day I want to say a big “Thank You” to the moms who mother their own as well as other people’s kids. Thanks for the sandwiches, the attentive words, and the rides to the basketball games. Thanks for just being there in the corner at the school dance, or working in the Snak Shak at the soccer match. No doubt you are busy with a hundred different tasks, responsibilities, and obligations, and yet there you are, still here for all of us. You are visible and available, a touchstone of safety. Moms, thanks for everything you do even when – especially when – you don’t even realize you are doing anything at all.

A battle hymn for every non-Tiger offspring of Tiger parents, Tiger Babies Strike Back examines why generations of kids have been made to feel inferior, isolated, suffocated, and humiliated in dogged pursuit of one goal: making their elders look good. In search of answers, Keltner delves into her own childhood, family history, and community traditions to expose the seamy underbelly of perfectionistic parenting. Can the Tiger-parented take back their emotional lives and love their own kids unconditionally? Keltner herself is living, hugging, fabulously flawed, Care Bear tea-party-throwing proof that they can. Read an excerpt of Tiger Babies Strike Back here. 

 

Guest Blogger: Alexandra Stoddard on Mothering and Grandmothering

Today’s guest blogger, Alexandra Stoddard, is the author of more than 25 books including Things I Want My Daughters to Know, an acclaimed interior designer, and philosopher of contemporary living. In her latest book, The Shared Wisdom of Mothers and Daughters: The Timelessness of Simple Truths (on sale now) Stoddard reflects on lessons learned from raising her two daughters, time spent with her grandchildren, and quotes from a few of her favorite philosophers. Today she describes how she finds grace in day-to-day experiences with her family.

Since I wrote Things I Want My Daughters to Know back in 2004 there has been enormous change in the lives of my two daughters—Alexandra and Brooke. Both of them are now loving, nurturing mothers, teaching their own children, my grandchildren, all the things they want them to know,  much the same way I tried to teach my girls when they were young.

The Shared Wisdom of Mothers and Daughters is a sort of homage to their growth and the profoundly positive evolution of our relationship. The mutual respect and deep appreciation that has developed as they’ve matured into their full adult selves is inspiring.

Recently my husband Peter and I were visiting Alexandra on a weekend when she’d planned to attend a party. So that Saturday night, Peter and I offered to watch our precious grandchildren—Anna, Nicholas, and Lily—and have our own celebration.

When their parents went upstairs to bathe and dress for their dinner party, Anna ordered us all Chinese takeout, then she and Lily set a beautiful table, using their favorite pink-and-green placemats and matching napkins. When the food arrived, Nicholas helped me unpack the containers and serve everyone. We ate with chopsticks and there was laughter all around as we struggled to keep hold of some of the more slippery items. At that moment, Peter and I knew we were in the best possible company.

After our happy meal together, the kids helped us with the dishes and set the table for breakfast. I was amazed. They were all so well trained! Then, after several more hours of fun, at 9:30 pm sharp, they kissed us goodnight and went to bed. And I thought to myself: is this a dream?

Then I realized that not only are my daughters thriving, but so are all of our grandchildren, for just the night before we had been in New York City visiting my other daughter, Brooke, and her daughter, Cooper. I remember feeling a poignant sense of appreciation in that moment, grateful in the knowledge that things are not just working out well—our family is living beautifully and everyone is thriving. What more can a mother hope for than to have her children and their children live full lives and have a lot of fun in the process?

As mothers, we all know nothing is automatic or guaranteed. No matter how hard we try, things can and do go wrong in these seminal relationships. But when things work out, it’s cause for great celebration. These simple but profound moments of rightness are the inspiration for The Shared Wisdom of Mothers and Daughters.

Take a look inside The Shared Wisdom of Mothers and Daughters here and learn more about Alexandra on her website.

Dads! It's Not Too Late to Buy a Great Book for Mother's Day!

I know most of you Dads, like, ahem, my husband, probably haven't yet made a plan, or bought a gift for the mother of your children, but there's still time -- though time, as they say, is ticking. You have today and tomorrow only. So get moving. And nothing says "I love you and appreciate everything you do to help raise our children" like a good book AND the time to lie on the couch, the porch swing or hammock and actually read said book.

So, right now, do these things, in this order:
1) Book a reservation for brunch on Sunday -- yes, breakfast in bed cooked by the kids is sweet, but she'll only be thinking of the mess in the kitchen and won't really be able to enjoy it, so take it from me: take her out

2) Go to your local store and buy one (or more!) of these books:
Things I Want My Daughters to Know by Elizabeth Noble -- she will laugh AND cry and you'll look so compassionate and aware of British authors (the ladies love the Brits)
The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan -- very popular with the mommies, she's probably seen the video, trust me and you'll look so sensitive
Belong to Me by Marisa de los Santos -- she read Love Walked In, I'm sure, and wants this new novel from de los Santos and you'll look as though you've paid attention to the books on her bedside table
Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout -- just won the Pulitzer Prize and you'll look so "in the know"
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson -- the hottest book in book clubs these days and you'll look like you did your research

(all links bring you to my almost local bookstore, Clinton Book Shop in Clinton, NJ. You can also follow Clinton Book Shop on Twitter)

3) buy a card and pledge in the card to allot Mom 3, 4, or 5 (!) hours in which to simply read while you entertain the kids

Now, can someone send this post to my husband?

Happy Mother's Day to Mothers and Stepmothers!

In honor of mothers everywhere--including stepmothers, godmothers, mentors and anyone who helps to nurture and teach a child--I thought I'd write about the first book I read after becoming a mother a little more than two years ago. Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions is her journal of her son's first year and it's a book I recommend to any mom, especially a new mom. A good friend gave me a copy at my baby shower and I've now started giving it as a shower present as well. I didn't start reading it until my son was born, and the short journal entries proved to be the ideal reading material during late night feedings and the other very random times throughout the day that I found time to read. That the entries mirrored just what I was going through -- learning how to respond to my son's cries and various myterious needs (including his seeming lack of a need to sleep, or at least it seemed that way at the time) -- only enhanced my love of the book. Lamott perfectly captures the "other world" experience that is the first few months of motherhood.

Last year on Mother's Day I wrote about another book that has taught and sustained me, this time as a stepmother: A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmother. Author Jacquelyn Fletcher has since started a monthly newsletter that I find invaluable. If you are a stepmother, I urge you to sign up for it here and if you know a stepmother, please send her the link. She will thank you for it, I promise!

Happy Mother's Day!

There's still time, if you act now, to remember mom this Mother's Day. But you better get out there at lunchtime today to get something! Book Club Girl says: don't forget stepmothers. And here's a shameless plug for A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom (which yes, does feature both my and my stepdaughter Luz's legs). This is a terrific book (trust me) with priceless advice for and from real stepmoms, written by a veteran stepmom and stepdaughter, Jacquelyn Fletcher.